Pregnancy Care Center of Ridgecrest, CA 

Abortion Testimony

                 I was in the process of a divorce; moved back home with my parents.  Shortly after I was married my husband left me for alcohol, his work, and a woman who would party with him.  I was back in college and the result of a one-night-stand was that I was pregnant.  To say I was frightened, naive, disillusioned with life, and emotionally unequipped to raise a child on my own is all true.  But there is more.

                  This was in 1971, pre Roe v Wade.  Planned Parenthood gave me the results of a pregnancy test and told me I could get an abortion with the recommendation of a psychiatrist.  I remember delaying the trip to the psychiatrist.  I hoped the test was wrong and my period would show up late.  I told a friend and she told me she had had an abortion.  She told me I would need to say I would commit suicide if I couldn't have an abortion.  Somehow knowing she had an abortion helped me decide to do the same.

                  This has been the greatest mistake of my life.  No matter what other tragedy comes into my life, it will be forever eclipsed by my "choice."

                  Strange, I was very unfamiliar with the ways of the world, but I took charge of the situation.  I told the man whose baby I was carrying that I was pregnant.  He said, "Well, that is stupid."  I told him I was having an abortion and asked him to pay for half and pick me up at the hospital after the "procedure".  He agreed to both.  It was a very matter of fact taking care of the problem discussion.

  He did pick me up at the hospital but I never saw him again.  He told me he was moving and couldn't help with my expenses.  I really didn't care.  I was relieved to never see him again.

                  Sometime after the abortion I went to the Doctor because I couldn't sleep and I thought I was depressed.  I was prescribed sleeping pills and some type of pill to help with the depression.  I don't think I mentioned the abortion.  The pills really didn't help.  I had no insurance and did not renew the prescription

                  I knew other women who had had abortions in Mexico.  I tried to talk to them about my regret and sadness but they didn't want to talk about it and told me to just forget it.

                  There is no forgetting.  I began a cycle of alcohol and marijuana that escalated for the next 20 years.  There were many more boyfriends.  I was listless but also driven to achieve.  I graduated college while working 2 part-time jobs.  The deep sorrow was always there, but I had forgotten "why".

                  Years later I would wonder what happened to me.  Where did I go?  I locked my heart and kept numb with boyfriends, drugs, alcohol, and work.  Work was a great escape.  Too tired to feel, too busy to feel.  There was one suicide attempt during this time and many, many recurring thoughts of suicide.  I felt unworthy to live.  My self-esteem was very low.

                  When I was fortunate to find Alcoholics Anonymous about 25 years later, I identified with two of the many sayings I heard there.  I was an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex.  And, alcohol gave me wings to fly, and then it took away the sky.

  I know that God brought me to AA, and AA brought me back to God.  Through Bible study I have come to love Jesus and repent for my sin.  I know I am forgiven and saved by God's unfailing Grace.

                  BUT I will always live with the consequences of my abortion.  I never was pregnant again.  I never had any children.  My darling baby that I "chose" to abort would be 35 this year.  I might be a grandmother.

                  Through the confidential, compassionate, counseling I have received through the Ridgecrest Pregnancy Care Center I am finally able to feel the pain and sorrow of what I did so many years ago.  God led me into the Center about 4 months ago.  Finally my secret is out.  The tears I cried 35 years ago were little compared to the tears of the last 4 months.

                  I am writing this in hopes that other women who are suffering the emotional and spiritual pain of post abortion trauma will know that they can get help and heal.  I also hope and pray that any woman (or man) who is considering abortion will realize that it is taking a precious life and will give that child the gift of life through adoption.

                  Abortion is a terrible choice.  You will always regret it, no matter what you think now.                         

A Client of the

Pregnancy Care Center

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